faith?

It's been almost a week since i stopped reading my bible or even praying. Ironically, this is the time where my church is having a 50-day prayer crusade.

I don't know what is going on with me, nothing matters to me much. I don't want to fight the fight anymore. I'm too tired. Yet the voice keep asking me to keep continue on, which made me very skeptical. If that is God voice, doesn't He know that i'm tired? why does he keep asking me to go on?

People might say that it means u still have the strength to continue, and God knows it. Well, if it requires me to push myself again, what does it say about God giving me the strength? I can duly said that i am the one who push myself, how does God get the credit for something that i must painfully done? Isn't it my own effort? I thought grace doesn't go along with effort...

So right now, i'm done trying to do anything on my own. If God wants to help me, he can do it without me doing anything even without me praying, or pleading or asking or whatever cause i've done it in the past, each time with more intensity but to no avail. If God really is God, then why he requires all of my effort just to save me?

So this is what i called faith: God can help me no matter what i'm doing. I'm done with all the religious stuff, praying and such. or maybe i'm just doing a different type of praying. instead of having a quiet time, i write this blog. stating my current thought of God, with a tiny hope that this is suffice to communicate with him, because again, i'm done trying.