just realize that my post can change so much in just a day, on tuesday, it seemed that i'm quite cheerful. On wednesday, i was so bitter and crushed. What's the difference? Hope.
On Tuesday, i was able to cling on to a hope, that all of this calamity can't go any worse, and the only way is up. On wednesday, all of that was crushed. With a deadline approaching fast, and no solid decision to make, how do i suppose to cope with all this?
Assuming God exist, then He contradicts His own Word. He says, all those trials will not exceed my strength. Well, now i can positively say i've cracked under the pressure. He says, hope will not disappoint, for His grace is true. Apparently, i'm not living by grace, it takes effort for me to continue on living. I have to struggle, just to live. How is that grace? I thought enjoying God shudn't be this difficult. I've been proven wrong.
How can i still believe after all that i've been through only reminds me from time to time that my faith was in vain? In the other hand, i still feel a little bit reluctant, because i want to remain true to my faith. But all of this just too hard for me to swallow.
Even on the verge of abandoning my faith, i'm still reminded by the Words or sermons that i've read or heard. But truly, know i just feel that those are only word, with no reason to believe in. Fictious.
From the beginning of this ordeal, i've been praying, i want to have a personal experience, where i can share with others. But no, what i'm experience is the same with others. So how do You expect me to say to others?
Consider this dialogue:
Me: "Being a Christian is the best thing i've ever done. See, we suffers the same and going through the same situation, but i believe that God take care of me"
Others: "And does He care for you?"
Me: "From what happened to me, no."
Of course we can say that i'm overreacting. God cares for me. But the same thing could also happen to non-believer. I though believing should make me someone different. And my faith counts to something. But no. Whether i believe or not, the same thing happened to me. Then what's the purpose of believing?
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