well, after 1.5 weeks of ignoring my devotional time, i finally started it again yesterday. what drives me to do that? for one thing, and this is skeptically speaking, maybe i have recovered quite a bit and i just trying to be resilient and bounce back to my feet.
But the other factor, which i consider to be more influential, is that i know that He calls me back, and He draws me near to Him again. Of course this may be just another thought that i've been playing in my head, trying to convince myself again that He loves me. Well, i have a choice here, whether to keep it like that or start to believe in Him again. I chose the later.
I started to feel like this on saturday when somehow, even though my situation hasn't changed, i felt happy, and inside me, i feel this longing to be with God again. And i know this is the proof that i need. When i was bitter i stopped my devotional time, and i said, "this is me God, if you truly loves me then you will approach me, you will comfort me, without me having to do any praying or reading bible"
And i believe that what i had on sat is God showing His love again, and that moment i started to believe again. Hopefully i will be able to stay this way.
P.S. when i started to believe again, the song from PS 139:7-10 played in my head, and this morning i got an sms from Erika (thanks ka!) about the same verse. So i guess God really won't let me go and I'm thankful for that..
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Thursday, April 23, 2009
relationship
i've been wondering lately since i pause all my spiritual activities... i heard advices that i have to keep on going... yet i'm not sure, does it serve any purpose?
what i perceive is this: keep holding on to ur faith, something good will come out of it, whether in this life, or in heaven. But i believe this is not christianity! I've heard a sermon that i couldn't agree more: "Christianity is about enjoying God, so we are looking forward to heaven, because God is there, and we can spend eternity with Him. If heaven does not have God in it, then there's no reason we should look forward to it."
But right now, i question my faith because i feel that this relationship is not working. I trust God, and believe in Him, although many times i feel that i just convincing myself to believe. But then from time to time i feel that God does not really care about this relationship. So if i should holding on to this faith so in the end i can receive the prize, i might as well leave this faith now because that's not what i'm looking for in christianity.
What i'm looking for is a relationship with God. I want to be able to enjoy God, now and in eternity. But He seems to ignore this desire. I've been left empty from time to time. I don't really care if i'm facing hardship as long as i know He's there. But i've been left to figure it on my own, i've been left to hold on to my faith, without any peace and joy from Him, without any assurance that God is with me. To gain peace and joy, i should be faithful, which in most cases, i force myself to believe. I think i'm just hypnotizing myself.
If a relationship with God is so hard now, will it make any difference in eternity? There are times when i enjoy God, but that was when i'm still able to convince myself. But after all that i've been through, i seriously doubt that a relationship can work that way.
what i perceive is this: keep holding on to ur faith, something good will come out of it, whether in this life, or in heaven. But i believe this is not christianity! I've heard a sermon that i couldn't agree more: "Christianity is about enjoying God, so we are looking forward to heaven, because God is there, and we can spend eternity with Him. If heaven does not have God in it, then there's no reason we should look forward to it."
But right now, i question my faith because i feel that this relationship is not working. I trust God, and believe in Him, although many times i feel that i just convincing myself to believe. But then from time to time i feel that God does not really care about this relationship. So if i should holding on to this faith so in the end i can receive the prize, i might as well leave this faith now because that's not what i'm looking for in christianity.
What i'm looking for is a relationship with God. I want to be able to enjoy God, now and in eternity. But He seems to ignore this desire. I've been left empty from time to time. I don't really care if i'm facing hardship as long as i know He's there. But i've been left to figure it on my own, i've been left to hold on to my faith, without any peace and joy from Him, without any assurance that God is with me. To gain peace and joy, i should be faithful, which in most cases, i force myself to believe. I think i'm just hypnotizing myself.
If a relationship with God is so hard now, will it make any difference in eternity? There are times when i enjoy God, but that was when i'm still able to convince myself. But after all that i've been through, i seriously doubt that a relationship can work that way.
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
faith?
It's been almost a week since i stopped reading my bible or even praying. Ironically, this is the time where my church is having a 50-day prayer crusade.
I don't know what is going on with me, nothing matters to me much. I don't want to fight the fight anymore. I'm too tired. Yet the voice keep asking me to keep continue on, which made me very skeptical. If that is God voice, doesn't He know that i'm tired? why does he keep asking me to go on?
People might say that it means u still have the strength to continue, and God knows it. Well, if it requires me to push myself again, what does it say about God giving me the strength? I can duly said that i am the one who push myself, how does God get the credit for something that i must painfully done? Isn't it my own effort? I thought grace doesn't go along with effort...
So right now, i'm done trying to do anything on my own. If God wants to help me, he can do it without me doing anything even without me praying, or pleading or asking or whatever cause i've done it in the past, each time with more intensity but to no avail. If God really is God, then why he requires all of my effort just to save me?
So this is what i called faith: God can help me no matter what i'm doing. I'm done with all the religious stuff, praying and such. or maybe i'm just doing a different type of praying. instead of having a quiet time, i write this blog. stating my current thought of God, with a tiny hope that this is suffice to communicate with him, because again, i'm done trying.
I don't know what is going on with me, nothing matters to me much. I don't want to fight the fight anymore. I'm too tired. Yet the voice keep asking me to keep continue on, which made me very skeptical. If that is God voice, doesn't He know that i'm tired? why does he keep asking me to go on?
People might say that it means u still have the strength to continue, and God knows it. Well, if it requires me to push myself again, what does it say about God giving me the strength? I can duly said that i am the one who push myself, how does God get the credit for something that i must painfully done? Isn't it my own effort? I thought grace doesn't go along with effort...
So right now, i'm done trying to do anything on my own. If God wants to help me, he can do it without me doing anything even without me praying, or pleading or asking or whatever cause i've done it in the past, each time with more intensity but to no avail. If God really is God, then why he requires all of my effort just to save me?
So this is what i called faith: God can help me no matter what i'm doing. I'm done with all the religious stuff, praying and such. or maybe i'm just doing a different type of praying. instead of having a quiet time, i write this blog. stating my current thought of God, with a tiny hope that this is suffice to communicate with him, because again, i'm done trying.
Thursday, April 16, 2009
mood swing
just realize that my post can change so much in just a day, on tuesday, it seemed that i'm quite cheerful. On wednesday, i was so bitter and crushed. What's the difference? Hope.
On Tuesday, i was able to cling on to a hope, that all of this calamity can't go any worse, and the only way is up. On wednesday, all of that was crushed. With a deadline approaching fast, and no solid decision to make, how do i suppose to cope with all this?
Assuming God exist, then He contradicts His own Word. He says, all those trials will not exceed my strength. Well, now i can positively say i've cracked under the pressure. He says, hope will not disappoint, for His grace is true. Apparently, i'm not living by grace, it takes effort for me to continue on living. I have to struggle, just to live. How is that grace? I thought enjoying God shudn't be this difficult. I've been proven wrong.
How can i still believe after all that i've been through only reminds me from time to time that my faith was in vain? In the other hand, i still feel a little bit reluctant, because i want to remain true to my faith. But all of this just too hard for me to swallow.
Even on the verge of abandoning my faith, i'm still reminded by the Words or sermons that i've read or heard. But truly, know i just feel that those are only word, with no reason to believe in. Fictious.
From the beginning of this ordeal, i've been praying, i want to have a personal experience, where i can share with others. But no, what i'm experience is the same with others. So how do You expect me to say to others?
Consider this dialogue:
Me: "Being a Christian is the best thing i've ever done. See, we suffers the same and going through the same situation, but i believe that God take care of me"
Others: "And does He care for you?"
Me: "From what happened to me, no."
Of course we can say that i'm overreacting. God cares for me. But the same thing could also happen to non-believer. I though believing should make me someone different. And my faith counts to something. But no. Whether i believe or not, the same thing happened to me. Then what's the purpose of believing?
On Tuesday, i was able to cling on to a hope, that all of this calamity can't go any worse, and the only way is up. On wednesday, all of that was crushed. With a deadline approaching fast, and no solid decision to make, how do i suppose to cope with all this?
Assuming God exist, then He contradicts His own Word. He says, all those trials will not exceed my strength. Well, now i can positively say i've cracked under the pressure. He says, hope will not disappoint, for His grace is true. Apparently, i'm not living by grace, it takes effort for me to continue on living. I have to struggle, just to live. How is that grace? I thought enjoying God shudn't be this difficult. I've been proven wrong.
How can i still believe after all that i've been through only reminds me from time to time that my faith was in vain? In the other hand, i still feel a little bit reluctant, because i want to remain true to my faith. But all of this just too hard for me to swallow.
Even on the verge of abandoning my faith, i'm still reminded by the Words or sermons that i've read or heard. But truly, know i just feel that those are only word, with no reason to believe in. Fictious.
From the beginning of this ordeal, i've been praying, i want to have a personal experience, where i can share with others. But no, what i'm experience is the same with others. So how do You expect me to say to others?
Consider this dialogue:
Me: "Being a Christian is the best thing i've ever done. See, we suffers the same and going through the same situation, but i believe that God take care of me"
Others: "And does He care for you?"
Me: "From what happened to me, no."
Of course we can say that i'm overreacting. God cares for me. But the same thing could also happen to non-believer. I though believing should make me someone different. And my faith counts to something. But no. Whether i believe or not, the same thing happened to me. Then what's the purpose of believing?
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
a confession of a weary soul
I've been through some pretty bad stuff lately, one after another only leads me to question God. And although i still cling on to this faith, every time He smashes me with another situation, with my condition worsening, how am i still able to going on?
I choose to believe, i choose to remain faithful, and i knew He loves me. God put my faith to test, and I'm okay with that. And i believe that i've passed that, by His grace. But soon after, He put me to another test, just saying "this is good for you", ignoring my scream "please not again, it's just too much!". Many will say, just endure it, you will see that His plan is the best. All those cliche statements which i myself am able to say it to others if they are in my situation.
But after all i've been through, i just can't abandon this faith. I know, i have nowhere else to go. Which crushes me even more, cause i feel that God is doing all the bad things, cause He know i don't have anywhere else to go. Sounds preposterous or even blasphemous, but that is what i feel.
I've feel that i've given another shot, after another shot. Just trying to keep believing. But everytime, He just crushes me over and over again. I'm too tired to continue on.
I choose to believe, i choose to remain faithful, and i knew He loves me. God put my faith to test, and I'm okay with that. And i believe that i've passed that, by His grace. But soon after, He put me to another test, just saying "this is good for you", ignoring my scream "please not again, it's just too much!". Many will say, just endure it, you will see that His plan is the best. All those cliche statements which i myself am able to say it to others if they are in my situation.
But after all i've been through, i just can't abandon this faith. I know, i have nowhere else to go. Which crushes me even more, cause i feel that God is doing all the bad things, cause He know i don't have anywhere else to go. Sounds preposterous or even blasphemous, but that is what i feel.
I've feel that i've given another shot, after another shot. Just trying to keep believing. But everytime, He just crushes me over and over again. I'm too tired to continue on.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Outing to Mt. Dandenong
had lotsa fun yesterday... It's really a nice day when we go there. I just chill out there while everyone else paddle boating. It's truly blissful, with the wind breezes and the warm sunlight. I can spend the whole day just dozing off there...
Saturday, April 11, 2009
think again
one thing that i notice more in my life is that not everything is the way i think it is. For example, i've heard the news that this or that celebrity is battling depression when i think they shud be happy with their life. Or when i realized that someone i know, is actually capable of doing things that i never imagined he is able to do it. So you think you know someone? Think again.
The same way goes for me, i think nobody knows me completely. Some people may see the fraction of my personality and they judge me based on that, and at other times, they will see another fraction and judge differently. Many times i just feel saying "stop judging will ya? you don't even know me". but then showing that kind of feeling will only lead to another judgment.
well, human relationship only works for certain extent. There are to many facets of human being that sometimes even you can't understand yourself. That shows us again and again that we are just human, and there is a God. When i feel i can't understand myself, i talk with Someone who understand me completely, and who does it better than my Creator? If you think that i'm being cliche... Think again.
The same way goes for me, i think nobody knows me completely. Some people may see the fraction of my personality and they judge me based on that, and at other times, they will see another fraction and judge differently. Many times i just feel saying "stop judging will ya? you don't even know me". but then showing that kind of feeling will only lead to another judgment.
well, human relationship only works for certain extent. There are to many facets of human being that sometimes even you can't understand yourself. That shows us again and again that we are just human, and there is a God. When i feel i can't understand myself, i talk with Someone who understand me completely, and who does it better than my Creator? If you think that i'm being cliche... Think again.
first entry
well, i finally start my own blog after thinking bout it for quite some time. So what finally push me to do it? Tbh, i don't really know myself... It's a spur of a moment i think...
On the other hand, maybe this thought that give me the extra nudge that i need. I was thinking that life, is just too short. I can be in an accident tomorrow, who knows? (ummm God? Yeah He should.. anyway the point is, nobody knows except God and He won't tell it to anyone, so i should close this bracket soon). There. The close bracket.
Where was I? Ah right, considering that anything can happen, without me doing it, i decided to make a journal. Just in case. So if something should happen, at least i have some legacy here. Not that i expect anyone to read it, but i have left something to prove that once, i live and existed here.
Also i was thinking to avoid people saying, "who is this guy? never even heard of him". well, think again mate. If something shud happen to me that is too sudden, can i ask anyone who happen to stumble upon this blog to put mypilgrimjournal.blogspot.com at my gravestone?
Yeah, in a sense i am kidding. I don't expect to have a gravestone so soon. If you think i'm suicidal/i hate my life/i'm saying just let me die now, think again. Like i said earlier, life is short. Making a blog is something that i can cross off from my checklist. 'side, if i should be dead in the future, i know i'm gonna have a great time with Jesus, and i can say to Him, "so what do You think about my blog?"
On the other hand, maybe this thought that give me the extra nudge that i need. I was thinking that life, is just too short. I can be in an accident tomorrow, who knows? (ummm God? Yeah He should.. anyway the point is, nobody knows except God and He won't tell it to anyone, so i should close this bracket soon). There. The close bracket.
Where was I? Ah right, considering that anything can happen, without me doing it, i decided to make a journal. Just in case. So if something should happen, at least i have some legacy here. Not that i expect anyone to read it, but i have left something to prove that once, i live and existed here.
Also i was thinking to avoid people saying, "who is this guy? never even heard of him". well, think again mate. If something shud happen to me that is too sudden, can i ask anyone who happen to stumble upon this blog to put mypilgrimjournal.blogspot.com at my gravestone?
Yeah, in a sense i am kidding. I don't expect to have a gravestone so soon. If you think i'm suicidal/i hate my life/i'm saying just let me die now, think again. Like i said earlier, life is short. Making a blog is something that i can cross off from my checklist. 'side, if i should be dead in the future, i know i'm gonna have a great time with Jesus, and i can say to Him, "so what do You think about my blog?"
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