i have lost respect for them

why should i try so hard to keep up my so-called friendship with them?

there's no point to it.

Acts 19:32

"The assembly was in confusion: Some were shouting one thing, some another. Most of the people did not even know why they were there."

I think this verse summed up the condition of the world nowadays.

love them all, especially Mio!

Where the Wild Things Are

is a stupid movie. 'nuf said.

2012

i just went home from watching 2012 and seriously.. this movie should be called die hard 5... or the luckiest family on earth... they defy science and cheat death.

i give this movie a 5.5/10, mainly to the good special effect, and i'm pretty sure 80% of the movie consists of CG, CG and more CG.

anyway, the main interest of this movie is the topic i discussed with a fren on my way home. I said, if i was there, i'm pretty sure i won't let the people in. It's either us or them.. and he said, i say that only because i'm not in that situation. if i let them die, i lost my humanity. i'll live but i'll be missing something and be reminded to that moment for the rest of my life.

maybe that's true. maybe not. but i really feel strongly that if i was in that ship.. i'll vote no. it's better to see the bigger picture. better safe few than none. sound selfish, sound arrogant, but that's life. if i was put on the other side and they decided not to save me, i'm okay with it. after all, i'm always curious what death is like.

i actually consider what might have happened during Noah's time. when he's finally in the ark, what did he feel about those people left out. maybe they jeered at him before, but soon when the rain doesn't stop, won't they realize they are now in danger? won't they scream at Noah that they are sorry?

Did Noah open the door? no.

in the movie, we now that they are all going to be okay, after all they are the main character. but in real life, there are chances it will go wrong. what would you feel if you let them in, but in the end you and i going to die? will you say "at least i have my humanity intact"?

you just postpone their death, be real! what humanity? sacrifice means something if there's a purpose, there's a goal. if you say you help them to preserve your humanity, aren't u the selfish one? if in the end everyone dies, that's not sacrifice, that's suicide. and suicide is a sin.

you see, Jesus sacrifice means something because he saves us from eternal damnation which is the main goal. that what i see as true "saving humanity"

if i sacrifice myself to let those people in, and i suppose we all saved like in the movie, they are still going to die, sooner or later. and who will save them?

that's why, if it comes down to the ultimate choice, us or them. i think i'll choose us. unless there's a more than likely chance that we can all be saved.

weirdest dream ever

last night was very hot, and i rolling over and over till finally fallen asleep due to tiredness of the rolling.. aniwei i had the weirdest dream in my life.

so my sister is having a mind battle with one psychopath, it's like he demands something and my sister doesn't want to give it to him, in fact she wants to subdue that psychopath by using his craving. All in the while she's being held hostage.

Then somehow, this crazy dude barge into the room, and shot me in the head. With a shotgun. Maybe i'm the first guy who ever seen his head exploded (literally) and still alive. hehehe

then to my disappointment, i become a wandering ghost. I thought there's heaven or hell but zip/nada/nothing. I become a ghost and i exact revenge on that pyscho dude. I gutted him with a singe stroke of knife vertically on his stomach.

Then i realize, if i become a ghost then he can become one as well. With that realisation, i tried to exorcise him by putting salt on the corpse and burn it. Learn this trick from supernatural.

Unfortunately, it's a scam. He becomes a ghost, but somehow looks friendlier.. So i though maybe the purifying process actually change him into a nice ghost.

Wrong. He pull out a knife and tried to stab me. JEEZ! I'm dead dude!

Anyway, after i managed to get that knife away from him, we realise that both of us has died and it's pointless to kill each other. So we decided to become an ally.

And the alarm clock ring. Thus once again, i walk as a human in a hot summer day.

why i join the christmas choir

because not everyone can sing, but everyone can worship the Lord. I believe the main purpose for the choir is the 2nd one :)

anointment

i just went home from the longest compass service so far. It took us 3 hours for the service itself, i believe it's because God's presence is so strong that almost everyone enjoy the presence of Him, and getting new anointment and fire. Well, everyone.. except me.

During the whole time, i was busy going around back and forth outside, not interested in coming in and supposedly enjoy the presence. And i ask myself, why do i distant myself from him? And i truly baffled, i don't know why i did that. It just seem that i've been through that before, in fact, i've experience it couple of times yet, there's no longing there.

Don't get me wrong, i love God, and i truly want to know him more, but during that time, i simply felt nothing. In fact, i feel bored. And now i'm wondering, is it because i'm not humble enough to ask God for his anointing again?


I honestly don't know. In fact, I feel bored. I feel like this kind of thing happened from time to time yet nothing great happened. I was longing for some kind of movement, a rising of a passionate generation for God when this kind of situation happened, but every time, i always feel that we hit a brick wall and remain stagnant... for a while and then another anointment is required.

Maybe that's why i become skeptic about this whole situation. Maybe I don't want to ask for more anointment but do nothing.

I believe, or rather, i WANT to believe that his anointment is already with us all along. sure asking for new anointment is good from time to time, but shouldn't we ask for new anointing because we have shared the fire and now ask for more?

It doesn't felt right that we ask for his anointing and then nothing happened, and after a while ask for it again. It seems to me like a wasted anointment.

I'm unsure about all of this, maybe i need some contemplation to understand what God really wants and hopefully he'll answer me.

KoG

alright, so today's sharing was from KO Andy, and at the end of his sharing, he speaks about the parable of KoG is like a feast.

And then it struck me. God invites us to come into his feast a.k.a God's party (using this term is a bit pejorative but it's more common haha)

anyway, God invites us to his party! Maybe it's just me but before i got this revelation i wasn't focusing on the fact that it is a feast, and of course a feast speaks about celebration/fun/joyful/cheerful.

So there you go, God invites us to join the fun. It wasn't like he invites us to hear a long speech or something boring. I bet his feast are going to be the best party ever.

So why don't u come along? and bring friends too!

email this morning

From: Stewart Gray
Sent: Wednesday, 14 October 2009 8:46 AM
To: z.Vic.Mitcham Office
Subject: Parking Inspector



Hi All,



To anyone who parked on the street today, a Parking Inspector just chalked the tyres of your vehicle. That should give you about two hours to move your car.



... and your time starts ... NOW!



Stewart Gray
Quality Assurance Manager


From: Iyan Librata
Sent: Wednesday, 14 October 2009 8:48 AM
To: Stewart Gray
Subject: RE: Parking Inspector



Wouldn’t it be more fun if you tell them 5 minutes before its due?




Stewart Gray:

You’re evil

Clear Solar | 8/613 Whitehorse Road, Mitcham VIC 3132 Australia | www.clearsolar.com.au
D: +61 3 9837 1029 | F: +61 3 9872 3488 | M: 0418 540 424 | E: stewart.gray@clearsolar.com.au

supernatural

After being addicted to Scrubs, now i'm addicted to Supernatural, the show is amazingly good that i neglected Scrubs for this one. I'll be back Scrubs, i will.

Anyway, one of the eps that i watched last night was so good, that it tweak my imagination...

What if our life is actually just a repetition, what happen after we die? What if dead is a format button, where all your memory got erased and you start everything all over again. It might be similar to reincarnation, but instead of living as someone else, you just simply restarting ur life, with all memory erased.

It might explain why de javu happens.

So whenever i die, i'll just be back at 1987, be born again with no memory whatsoever, and live the life again, not knowing that everything has happened before.

From a 3rd person perspective it's kinda boring, but well, your memory is erased so you don't know what has happened.

And people say: Just live your life like you never lived it twice. Who knows, we might have lived this life a million times already.

Anyway, it's just another imagination running wild.. sometimes i wish i don't have such a crazy brain. I'll stop now.

WWJT

stands for What Would Jesus Tweet. The idea occurred when i was in the shower... Thought it was new, but google it and apparently it's already there.

Imagine if Jesus has a twitter, what kind of tweet he'll post?

Probably something like this: "was unhappy to do it, but the earthquake was neccessary... pls repent... love y'all"

or "daylight saving will start this weekend, time to enjoy more sunlight guys!"

i'll definitely join twitter if Jesus has an account there :D

why He is silent

i was reading Jeremiah 42 when i heard a voice inside of me. This chapter is about Jeremiah warning Israelites not to go to Egypt, as that's not God's plan and they will suffer there, yet they still went there, disobeying God's direct order.

Here's what the voice said: "I've told them what to do, yet they disobey Me so discreetly.. because they've asked Me with their own expectation of answer. Whatever i tell them, they won't listen, they will only listen to what they want, not what I want"

And i realized the reason why those who really believes in God, even with their persistence, might still encounters God's silence. It could be that His answer might be different from what we expect and we are not ready to listen to it as we might disobey it straight away.

He lets us pursue Him, and in the process, bit by bit, He changes us until our own expectation slowly replaced by His desire. And when we are ready, His answer will always be there, at His right time.

the only thing that matters

On Sunday i scratch my car due to being in a hurry as i though i was late to church... we supposed to gather at 2 pm and begin preparation.

when i arrive there, only the WL is there, and even the van is not there, and only arrive at around 3... i was a little bit in a bad mood. after all, i could avoid scratching the car, even though it was my carelessness, i don't think it would've happened if i wasn't in a hurry.

on top of that, the mic sounded strange, and since the service had started, there's nothing i could do.

i was annoyed, but then in the middle of the service, i heard a voice in my heart saying, "why do you care so much about the scratch and why does that ruin your mood? don't you know that Jesus is alive and that's the only thing that matters?"

and somehow that sentence tug a string in my heart, i was deeply moved and in that moment i realised, i shouldn't care much about little things in my life and i should focus on what really matter in this life.

what a saturday!

went to Keilor Village to pick up bass with Davin, followed with WPM, cleaning/setting up soundman office (went to church's attic and roof in the process), went to PETASAN with bunch of great people, and now i should prepare myself for the bed...

I'm going to be a bassist player!

The hard work begins now! 07/09/2009

the answer

i wish i heard today's sermon when i was battling my doubt (those moments were documented on my posts, around April this year), for it will surely give me some strength to get through the situation. But in the end, God Himself see me through so all is good.

I can say that it was painful, and i really don't wish to redo it. But it was all worth it, as i believe my faith now is stronger than before. I thank you Lord, for allowing me to grow another level.

grace next to law

on thursday evening, we (mostly Andrew) tune up the sound system for our church building, hence the cloth that covers our stage as we find out that subwoofer sounds better without the wood cover.

the interesting part is that after we finish and try to get home, we accidentally encountered a manager from the building next to us. He complained about the brick that we used to hold the fence at the lane next to our building. He said that brick has caused an injury before as it was put at the corner, and people has accidentally trip on it due to its location, and poor lighting at that area.

He asked us to move and he said we are lucky not to be sued as they are a law company. Hearing that, i immediately thought, we are a church but we can't even be a blessing to our neighbour. But we immediately promise to rectify the situation and i think that problem should be solved. And hopefully, we can be a better neighbor to them.

Secondly i thought, this is quite bizarre. We are a church, that promotes grace. And here we have a neighbor, full with people specialising in law. What a contrasting aspect that we often find in Christian life... Maybe this is one of God's joke... and I find it quite amusing. :)

2057

I was going to sleep when my imagination runs wild. It begins with a thought: If man keeps destroying the environment, where earth keeps getting hotter and hotter, and global warming seems to be more than just a story in news...

Year 2057: Sunlight -once a warm and a great source of light and energy- has become an enemy to humankind. We dread of morning, since that's when ray of amazing heat penetrates through atmosphere, unopposed by the ozone shield that has long gone, destroyed by greenhouse gas.

Plant dies as the heat dries all the water, and the soil has been polluted so much, nothing can grow anymore. Even forests are gone, due to illegal logging... Rain water become so acid, rivers are dry, and those with waters are still, as they are clogged by mix of plastic bottles and industrial waste.

The food chain is in chaos: with no plants, no animals survive. Human are desperate for food. Starvation are everywhere, even the rich can't afford food, because there isn't any. And in that desperation, mankind, desperate to fill their stomach, turn to the most abundant source of food at that time... human being.

"Love thy neighbour", becomes a running joke at dinner table. That is, if you still have the chance to laugh around... 'Cause you can be the next target for the hungry people out there.

So please, do your bit for the environment. Use energy responsibly, recycle whenever possible, plant a tree... This is our earth, let's save this planet as it's destiny, is our destiny.

quote from the scrubs

"It's funny how our perceptions can be so off.. like when you're searching for a place to fit in, and you don't even realize you've been there the whole time."

Damn, i love this show!

LOL moment from scrubs

whoa!

i try to do some blogging to store some memories, kinda like check points in life. but come to think of it, i only do it sparringly, and without much effort.

This realization occurs to me when I stumble upon some blogs where people design their blog creatively and beautifully.

People are really unique, some are better in stuff than the others.

Do i envy them? Nah, i'm too lazy for it.

I prefer to enjoy their creativity rather than trying to decorate my blog just for the sake of appealing people.

a beautiful gibberish

well i found the translation destroy the catchiness of this song, so i decided to post the one w/o translation.

how much is your faith worth?

Another story from Adrian Plass's book (this guy surely becomes one of my favourite author) pose this simple yet deep question.

In the story Adrian was approached by a guy, who asked him to stop his ministry publicly and he's offered 5.5 million pounds. Yes, million. Yes, pounds.

To put another twist, he can still do ministry in his own church. And on top of that, he's 57 years old at that time.

The guy (name's Paris Morpeth) suggested that he take the money and use it for good, like for charity, or supporting his family.

And Paris suggested that even if he take the money, God will still forgive him.

Now, if you think he's a hardcore Christian, that might not be the case as he tells about his struggle, his moments of doubt during his Christian life, and the fact that he has thought that Jesus may or may not exist.

In the end he refused.

And he gave such an outstanding point of view:

"ultimately, all I want is to meet the Son of God in heaven at last - assuming there is such a polace, of course - and see him smile, and hear him say, 'You messed things up here and there, Adrian, but you did have a go at the job I gave you to do, and I appreciate it. Thank you. Come on in.'

Thank you Adrian, for giving me such an insight which answers some of my faith question.

I hope that one day, if i'm offered millions of pounds or gold or silver in exchange of my faith, i'll be able to arrive on the same conclusion as his.

http://www.quizbox.com/personality/test82.aspx

Your view on yourself:
You are down-to-earth and people like you because you are so straightforward. You are an efficient problem solver because you will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:
You are a true romantic. When you are in love, you will do anything and everything to keep your love true.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:
You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.

The seriousness of your love:
You like to flirt and behave seductively. The opposite sex finds this very attractive, and that's why you'll always have admirers hanging off your arms. But how serious are you about choosing someone to be in a relationship with?

Your views on education
You may not like to study but you have many practical ideas. You listen to your own instincts and tend to follow your heart, so you will probably end up with an unusual job.

The right job for you:
You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life.

How do you view success:
Success in your career is not the most important thing in life. You are content with what you have and think that being with someone you love is more than spending all of your precious time just working.

What are you most afraid of:
You are concerned about your image and the way others see you. This means that you try very hard to be accepted by other people. It's time for you to believe in who you are, not what you wear.

Who is your true self:
You are mature, reasonable, honest and give good advice. People ask for your comments on all sorts of different issues. Sometimes you might find yourself in a dilemma when trapped with a problem, which your heart rather than your head needs to solve.

Gates of heaven

Here's one of the story i found in Adrian Plasses book that i like so much... So i just copied it, and of course all the right belong to him, but i don't think he will mind me sharing it... here goes the story:

Slowly, uncertainly, Liz approaches the gates of heaven. Jesus is leaning against one of the gateposts, a little smile playing around his lips. Something that looks like a bulging supermarket carrier bag is hanging from one hand.

'Hello, Liz,' he says quietly.

'Oh, dear!' says Liz, hardly daring to meet his eyes, 'I'm afraid I don't deserve to be here at all.'

'Quite right,' says Jesus, 'but then nobody does, do they? That's not a problem, though. I've sorted that one out, remember?'

She stares at him for a moment before speaking again.

'Ah! No, of course not. I mean - of course! Thank you so much! What I meant was - I mean - well, what I meant was that I never really did anything...'

'Oh' says Jesus, looking a little puzzled. "What are all these, then?'

He holds the carrier bag out with both hands, open so that she can see the contents. She rifles through them. To her astonishment, inside are all the cards of encouragement and condolence and celebration that she sent to all sorts of people over the year.

'Some other person with the same name?' asks Jesus. His expression appears to be one of confusion, but the smile is still there in his eyes.

'Oh,' says Liz, 'well, yes, I suppose I sent them, but that's all.'

'Hmm.' Jesus closes the bag and puts it down beside him, just inside the gates. "I know you're not coming in, but just poke your head round and take a look at this.'

Tentatively, she takes a few steps forward and nervously peers around the nearest gatepost. Immediately she gasps as she is overwhelmed by a sea of colour.

'Goodness me, what a marvelous garden!' she cries. 'Where on earth did all these wonderful flowers come from?'

'From you,' says Jesus, still leaning on the gatepost, 'these are all the flowers you gave me over the years.'

'Flowers I gave you?' she protests, 'I thought i gave them to - well, to people.'

'Look,' says Jesus, 'I don't want to go all technical and theological on you, but the way it works is that every time you gave, say, a bunch of tulips to Fred n hospital, the same bunch came straight up here to me. And I planted them. I've been having a great time. They grow here even if they've been cut. DO you like the garden you gave me?'

Liz is overwhelmed, and might argue if she wasn't so sure that se would lose the argument.

'I did get very impatient and grumpy and a bit resentful sometimes,' she says in a very small voice.

'True,' says Jesus, 'but usually only with your husband, and that gave him a chance to show his saintliness - sometimes. Oh, There's something else I wanted to show you.;

By now she has taken a few steps into heaven without realising it. Jesus moves over to a little stone table at the edge of the path, and picks up a heavy, leather-bound book. He thumbs through it in silence, stopping to read little bits from time ti time.

'Err, what is that?' she asks at last

Jesus looks up. 'This? Oh it's just a record of all the chats and conversations you had with people when you visited them in hospital and met them on buses and in the street, and - oh, all over the place. Some good ones here. Thank you. You really cheered me up sometimes. And you filled in quite a few gaps in the road for all sorts of people. I'm not saying you were perfect but you had a jolly good go at doing things for me. Well done.'

She is in tears, It's all too much, Jesus puts his arm around her and leads her away through the flowers. The air is fragrant with the scents of early summer.

'Come on, Liz,' he says gently, "I've got lost more things to show you, and there's someone I really want you to meet

She looks up suddenly, and says through her sniffles. 'Do you know. I feel awfully well.'

'Of course you do,' he replies, smiling broadly now, 'you've come home.'

super slow inet

on peak of 40 GB: exceeded. off peak of 110 GB: exceeded. i'm counting days to when i can enjoy browsing without dozing off while waiting for the page to be loaded.

anyway, i'm currently reading a book titled bacon sandwiches and salvation. One of my favorite sentence is this:

worth bearing in mind that Jesus left people angry, puzzled, elated, entertained, fed, disgusted, and overjoyed but, as far as we know, never bored.

if you feel bored in your life (or Christian life so to speak), ask yourself... have you met Jesus?

PS: for those who watch "how i met your mother" will know exactly the tone for the last bit of sentence there :)

i want to have one!

religulous

just watched another movie, the title is a portmanteau of religion and ridiculous which summaries what this movie is all about.

i actually like this movie, many of the points presented merit an argument and i myself admit that religion is ridiculous.

one point that i like is that religion offers certainty to people and it makes them arrogant, to the point that they undermine others religion. but the other religion also feel the same way about the other religion.

and the presenter said that he actually promotes doubt, since doubt keeps people humble, which i think is quite true.

and in my experience as a Christian, faith is not the enemy of doubt. You might have doubt and choose to believe, but in a humble way, which i prefer to be.

i could spend forever just pondering these stuffs so i'll just let it be.

couple of movies that i've watched

Shawshank Redemption: this movie if voted #1 in imdb, which is no wonder to me.. the plot is rich and the characters are interesting.

Ponyo on the Cliff by the sea: a must watch film for any Studio Ghibli fans (me included)... this is what an animation should be: indulging your fantasy. The story is simple and refreshing.

Two movies that goes to my list of hall of fame movies!

amazing earth

i just finished playing endless ocean, it's a game where we play as a diver and explore the... well, the endless ocean..

and i realized that this earth is so enormous, where species such as the blue whale which length can reach up to 110 ft (33 metres) actually exists..

and as i am typing this blog, somewhere in the ocean, a blue whale is singing, and somewhere else, a bottle nosed dolphin could be playing with their mates (in the game, i have a bottle nosed dolphin as a diving partner).

just contemplating this makes me filled with such awe for the nature. life goes on, here on this planet, regardless of we realizing it or not.

dusting off my blog

yep, been a while since i posted something.

this post is only to prove that i'm still here, lurking :D

anyway, just went back from menado, and i'm excited with what God has in store for our new church building. Sure God can be everywhere, but when He chooses a place to dwell, it's gonna be awesome. Take Obed-Edom for example, or when His glory fill His temple.

and i believe our church gonna have that privilege.

it's gonna be amazing!

transformers

damn awesome! and megan fox is definitely going to be one of the hottest actress in Hollywood.

amazing effect, good action, but plot is a typical happy ending action movie..

nevertheless, one of the must watch movie of 2009!

East to West

no condemnation

the topic of last Sunday sermon is this, that there will be no condemnation for those in Christ, it took Ko Denny 1 hour plus to explain this and i believe it could take longer if time permitted for this is such a beautiful message and much can be shared from this statement alone.

Couple of things that strike me most are these:

1. when the parable of Mary Magdalene is told, Jesus ask the crowd to throw the stone first if s/he is without sin. After that, one by one drop their stone and went away. After that, Jesus said: "Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?" and she replied "No one, Sir".

At first i thought, "well, no one is holy enough to throw the stone anyway, so that's quite a good tactic that Jesus used". But then i realize, JESUS is the only one able to throw the stone. He is able, and in fact He should.

But He didn't. That's grace and it overwhelmed me so much. He said that because even Jesus, who is able to condemn you, chose not to do it. Why should anybody else condemn you then? Not your parents, friends, not even you yourself! Praise God for that!

2. The other interesting part actually comes from listening to Casting Crowns song titled "East to West", if you guys remember there's a verse in Psalm 103:12 saying " as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us."

and the lyric for the song goes like this

Jesus can you show me
Just how far the East is from the West
Cause I can't bear to see the man I've been
Come rising up in me again
In the arms of your mercy I find rest
Cause you know just how far the East is from the West
From one scarred hand to the other

Whenever guilt creeps in, when condemnation knocks in your heart, know this: Jesus' finished work at the cross removed our transgressions as far as the east is from the west.

And how far is the east from the west? From one scarred hand to the other. Remember this, praise GOD and sin no more!

casual writing

it's been a week since my last entry, time sure flies quickly.

another busy week at workplace, with Govt rebate scheme suddenly ended, it has been chaos and madness, but we'll get it through. :)

Coraline

this movie is awesome!

i was pretty amazed that this film is using a stop-motion method (google it y'all) and it was done superbly!

Combine that with a good story, interesting character, some thriller and voila, best movie so far in 2009.

Have to wait til transformers though for the final judgment. :D

could you say goodbye to yesterday?

reality check

a while ago my fren posted a note in FB outlining how complicated life is, and has questioned her passion in life. In the heated comments that follows we realize that most of us also have the same issue...

and then the comments just died. it's like waking up from a dream and sucked up into the reality. Is it going to be like that? The passion of wanting to do something more, wanting to live to the fullest, should it just stay in our imagination?

when reality knocks on the door; when study, work, or family become express train that we have to catch, should dream just be dream?

how do we suppose to live this life?

the funniest blog that i know so far

http://ngupingjakarta.blogspot.com/

highly recommended!

i need more explanation for this

I was reading my bible when i come across the verse on 1 Chronicles 21:1:

"And Satan stood up against Israel and provoked David to number Israel."

I have read this verse couple of times, but this time, somehow i remembered that there was a similar verse that i read some times ago (i read my bible chronogically), and the verse was in

2 Samuel 24:1"

"And the anger of the Lord was kindled against Israel, and he moved David against them to say, Go number Israel and Judah."

So who was the one that tempt David to number the Israelites?

I do some search on google and the result was quite similar to what i was thinking before... It says that God allows Satan to do His bidding, to prove His point to David and all in the while proves that He is a sovereign God.

This is a really hard food for me to digest.

I seriously think that by doing this, God actually free to do everything as He pleases. David may in the end learn his lesson. But it was not happen before thousands of Israelites were smitten by God's plague. As David said, "I have sinned, but what about these sheeps?"

For one purpose of teaching David, God saw fit to sacrifice thousands of lives? How could it be?

Lately, my only pray is that God will reveal Himself to me... Cause truly with this kind of mindset, and with this limited revelation, i seriously considering about the value of my faith.

Does it really worth for me to serve a God like this?

I love Him, seriously, I love God... But with recent experiences, i need more of God, simply more! And i really hope that God will provide me with some more explanation.

On the other hand, I know some thing may best left alone, but why then God reveal the verse which prompts me to think like this? Even more, He know that i'm curious about things and can't leave this kind of things alone.

Some might say it was happen in the old testament where the Law was still being held up. And this is my consolation for the time being, that i live by grace, and no such thing will happen to my life... But i believe that every verse in Bible still applicable today... so how should i react to this?

If you happen to read this and care to share your thoughts, please do so... Any thought is happily accepted :)

spanish lady + mo ghile mear

i love celtic songs!

atheism main arguments

can somebody provide counter argument for this?

heaven?

I once thought about this issue and i'm still struggling with it. What is heaven?

Since i was little, the image of heaven is that it's a place of happiness, cloudy and bright of God's glory... And of course hell is the exact opposite of that, with fiery flame and such things.

But then again, there's another thought. Heaven is "only" for the believers(i put quotation mark because i'm not even sure about this, or rather i hope that there's some exception to that). The reason i am hoping is because we are surrounded by unbelievers. If supposed one that i loved ended up being unbeliever, and s/he ended up in hell, how do i suppose to live in heaven? Wouldn't that make living in heaven is actually hellish for me?

We might justify by saying that it is the reason why we need to spread the gospel and hoping that God will be gracious enough to save them... which is another issue for me because i know some cases where you have tried to bring them in, yet they refused. We still love them, and we don't have other option but to pray for them.

What if they still don't believe? What if they manage to believe but fall because they just can't cope with their faith?

There's a parable in the bible about Lazarus the poor and a rich man. The rich man ended up in hell and Lazarus in heaven. We might say that it is okay, the man is paying for his sin and Lazarus getting what he was denied in this world.

Well, what if the story's characters are changed? What if you go to heaven and your best friend goes to hell despite your best effort of converting him/her?

Do you still enjoy heaven?

Being a Christian, of course this should encourage me of working harder in spreading the gospel. But again, i know of cases when our best is not enough and it all depends on God's grace. And even then there's still possibility that unbelievers stay unbelief. In that case, what can i do?

Are we going to be brainwashed as soon as we enter heaven that we will forget all of our relationship? I draw this conclusion when Jesus said there's no husbands and wives in heaven.

Truly, this issue is confusing and makes me curious. I always eager to find out what's on the other side.. yet, suicide is not an option.

What can we expect on the other side? Is this curiosity can only be answered when we died? Or is there any possible explanation we can draw from the bible?

I believe heaven exists, but I'm still struggling with what can I found there. Like I said in previous post, i'm looking forward to heaven because that's where i can enjoy a relationship with God forever. But it scares me if somehow i can enjoy heaven while others suffers in hell. There's no way i can say: "that's what you get for your unbelief! See what i get here? LOL!"

What can i look forward to in the afterlife?

LOL

can't live w/o You

so true...

first day at work

woke up at 7.10 am this morning, a new habit that must be fostered now.

a great workplace, nice workmates, and all for good cause.

I work at Clear Solar, they sell solar panels for greener, cleaner, and better energy, all for the well-being of our beloved planet... i'm quite proud to work there, albeit with 6 mth contract (and a view to extend, but let's not get ahead of ourselves, shall we?).

one thing that i somewhat regret is that due to the fact this position has time limit, and there are at least 11 people employed during this time frame. I can feel there is competition in the air... I don't really care though, i just work my best and not trying to be the 1st one in everything. Hopefully i'm just over-concerned and my judgment is wrong... cause i found this place to be great...

still i'm concerned about how life is in this kind of world, where the survival of the fittest rule applies... since we are little, we are forced to perform or be ridiculed.

One thing that i learned during my journey with God is this: only when we all have received grace and understand it, we won't trying so hard to perform anymore.

unexpected ending

well, i guess my God is really a good scriptwriter, my life story is full of plot twist, when i thought i've got it all figured out, He proved that i'm really limited in perspective...

A week ago, i finally decided to let go of my struggle. I was trying so hard to stay at melbourne, because i thought this is what He has been telling me. But on other occasions, i felt insecure, maybe i'm just convincing myself that what I want is God's will... and at that time i really afraid of doing so, after all we know what happened to Jonah when he defied God's will...

After struggling hard, and with a lot of things happened, i finally started to let go. At first i don't want to go back cause that means I fail to listen to God's will, and i'm not sure on what to believe anymore. But after my latest plot twist where i lash out to God, and eventually recover and go back to Him, somehow i got a new desire to go back. Well maybe i'm just too tired and homesick.

In any case, last week i said that this will be my last week. If God want me to stay here in Melb, then give me an outside source. I don't want to listening to my inner voice, afraid that i could've been misled. If there's still nothing today, i'll start my pack up and go back to indo.

I said those things because actually i have several options, i've applied for a job and i passed the first stage, so i thought maybe i can score this job. And the other one was a factory job. Actually that job requires physical strength, and with this small stature, i'm afraid that i can't meet their expectation...

Turns out, i didn't get the first job, i was overqualified. And this made me sad and frustrated. I can't get a job because i don't have enough exp, at other job, i'm overqualified, and at a factory job, i don't have the strength...

Then on thursday, i got a phone interview, and the guy asked me to come in today. and long story short, i got the job, today 08/05/09.

Right at the end of the week.

Who would have thought such ending could possibly happen?

Apparently, He does.

-_-"

Pake soda juga gak?
Murid #1: "Gue titip coca-cola float dong."
Murid #2: "Pakai ice cream gak?"
Murid #1: "Gak usah."

Kantin sekolah di Cilandak, didengar oleh teman-teman yang ingin menumpahkan teh manis tanpa gula ke muka temannya.

Aroma dosa...
Pemain #1: "Ntar pada mau makan dimana?"
Pemain #2: "Makan miyabi yuk. Mie ayam babi."
Pemain #1: "Babi? Haram tau!"
Pemain #2: "Kalo mentah haram, kalo udah mateng harum."

Lapangan basket di Jakarta, didengar satu tim yang sepakat untuk makan gado-gado.

Pasti hotel bintang tujuh...
Cewek: "Eh, nanti kita pake hotel apa sih buat perpisahan di Bali?"
Cowok: "Oh, ada dua nih pilihannya, hotel A sama hotel B."
Cewek: "Kayaknya yang hotel A lebih enak deh."
Cowok: "Kalo gue bilang sih, mendingan yang hotel B, soalnya ada kolam renang yang ada airnya gitu..."

SMA swasta di Jakarta, didengar oleh murid lain yang bersyukur tidak lama lagi akan segera berpisah dengan teman-temannya.

It's complicated...
Saat sedang membuka Facebook.
Cowok X: "Eh siapa tuh cewek, lucu banget. Liat deh fotonya..."
Cowok Y: "Oh itu tuh, tanya sama si Z deh."
Cowok Z: "Itu mah cewek gue."
Cowok X: "Wah, lucu banget. Udah punya cowok belum?"

Kantor pemerintahan di Jakarta, didengar oleh cowok Y yang sedang susah-payah berusaha menahan emosi si cowok Z.

Kebanyakan nonton kartun ya?
Teman #1: "Aaaaaah!" (sembari menunjuk ke langit-langit)
Teman #2: (terkejut) "Apaan sih?"
Teman #1: "Itu! Ada cicak masa kakinya empaaat?!"
Teman #3: "Emang cicak kakinya berapa?"
Teman #1: "Dua kan?"

Didengar oleh teman #2 dan #3 yang ingin menyihir temannya jadi laron.

Keluar, terus masuk lagi, terus lahir lagi?

Cewek #1: "Temenin gue beli kado buat bokap dulu ya?"
Cewek #2: "Eh, bokap lo tahun berapa lahirnya?"
Cewek #1: "'53..."
Cewek #2: "Oooh... Kalo bokap gue '55."
Cewek #3: "Wah jangan-jangan bokap kalian sama!"

Plaza Senayan, didengar oleh kedua teman yang merasa cewek #3 punya masalah berhitung.

Emang jaman modern sih, tapi kan...
Anak Muda: "Mau kemana Pak? Pergi kerja ya? Kerja dimana?"
Bapak-bapak: "Iya, di toko X itu."
Anak Muda: "Wah bagus itu Pak, masa depan keluarga terjamin, kabar istri baik Pak?"
Bapak-bapak: "Saya belum nikah dek..."
Anak Muda: "Oh... Kalo gitu anaknya gimana Pak? Sehat? Wah, pasti sudah besar yah!"

Angkot M29, didengar oleh penumpang angkot yang lain yang tiba-tiba merasa bahwa ramah dan bodoh bedanya tipis.

Kalau malam berubah soalnya...
Penjaga rental PS: "X, kamu liat kucing hitam warna putih gak?"

Didengar pengunjung yang yakin penjaga ini tidak akan menang main Winning Eleven.

Kan kalo rumah, itu beda RT-nya? Harus bikin baru...
PNS #1: "De, tolong bantuin bikin facebook juga dong."
PNS #2: "OK mbak, account emailnya apa yah?"
PNS #1: "xxxxx@xx.xx"
PNS #2: "Wah, ga bisa nih mbak. Udah pernah di daftarin ya sebelumnya?"
PNS #1: "Iya sih, udah pernah. Tapi kan waktu itu di komputer yang di sebelah sana."

Sebuah Departemen di Sudirman, didengar mahasiswi magang yang langsung mengerti mengapa birokrasi di Indonesia bisa kacau.

Yes, but you should not talk anymore...
Guru: "A, kamu jadi pelayan call delivery-nya. B, kamu jadi pemesan."
Murid #1 dan #2: "Okay, m'am!"
Murid #1: "Hello, Kentucky Fried Chicken, may I help you?"
Murid #2: "Yes, do you have fried chicken?"

LIA Kalimalang, didengar seisi kelas yang langsung ingin berguling-guling di lantai.

Sepertinya ada beberapa hal yang masih ketinggalan di luar kota.
Mahasiswi sepulang ko-ass di luar kota: "Halo semuanya! I'll be back!"

Universitas Swasta di Jakarta, didengar oleh seisi ruangan yang langsung menunggu mahasiswi itu pergi lagi.

Tanpa suara lebih asik lagi...
Karyawan #1: "Eh, bagusnya bawain lagu apa ya di lomba karaokean nanti malam?"
Karyawan #2: "Kita acapella-an aja!"

Agensi iklan di Hang Lekir, didengar oleh seseorang yang ingin menjelaskan secara detil fungsi alat karaoke.

where can i run from You?

well, after 1.5 weeks of ignoring my devotional time, i finally started it again yesterday. what drives me to do that? for one thing, and this is skeptically speaking, maybe i have recovered quite a bit and i just trying to be resilient and bounce back to my feet.

But the other factor, which i consider to be more influential, is that i know that He calls me back, and He draws me near to Him again. Of course this may be just another thought that i've been playing in my head, trying to convince myself again that He loves me. Well, i have a choice here, whether to keep it like that or start to believe in Him again. I chose the later.

I started to feel like this on saturday when somehow, even though my situation hasn't changed, i felt happy, and inside me, i feel this longing to be with God again. And i know this is the proof that i need. When i was bitter i stopped my devotional time, and i said, "this is me God, if you truly loves me then you will approach me, you will comfort me, without me having to do any praying or reading bible"

And i believe that what i had on sat is God showing His love again, and that moment i started to believe again. Hopefully i will be able to stay this way.

P.S. when i started to believe again, the song from PS 139:7-10 played in my head, and this morning i got an sms from Erika (thanks ka!) about the same verse. So i guess God really won't let me go and I'm thankful for that..

relationship

i've been wondering lately since i pause all my spiritual activities... i heard advices that i have to keep on going... yet i'm not sure, does it serve any purpose?

what i perceive is this: keep holding on to ur faith, something good will come out of it, whether in this life, or in heaven. But i believe this is not christianity! I've heard a sermon that i couldn't agree more: "Christianity is about enjoying God, so we are looking forward to heaven, because God is there, and we can spend eternity with Him. If heaven does not have God in it, then there's no reason we should look forward to it."

But right now, i question my faith because i feel that this relationship is not working. I trust God, and believe in Him, although many times i feel that i just convincing myself to believe. But then from time to time i feel that God does not really care about this relationship. So if i should holding on to this faith so in the end i can receive the prize, i might as well leave this faith now because that's not what i'm looking for in christianity.

What i'm looking for is a relationship with God. I want to be able to enjoy God, now and in eternity. But He seems to ignore this desire. I've been left empty from time to time. I don't really care if i'm facing hardship as long as i know He's there. But i've been left to figure it on my own, i've been left to hold on to my faith, without any peace and joy from Him, without any assurance that God is with me. To gain peace and joy, i should be faithful, which in most cases, i force myself to believe. I think i'm just hypnotizing myself.

If a relationship with God is so hard now, will it make any difference in eternity? There are times when i enjoy God, but that was when i'm still able to convince myself. But after all that i've been through, i seriously doubt that a relationship can work that way.

faith?

It's been almost a week since i stopped reading my bible or even praying. Ironically, this is the time where my church is having a 50-day prayer crusade.

I don't know what is going on with me, nothing matters to me much. I don't want to fight the fight anymore. I'm too tired. Yet the voice keep asking me to keep continue on, which made me very skeptical. If that is God voice, doesn't He know that i'm tired? why does he keep asking me to go on?

People might say that it means u still have the strength to continue, and God knows it. Well, if it requires me to push myself again, what does it say about God giving me the strength? I can duly said that i am the one who push myself, how does God get the credit for something that i must painfully done? Isn't it my own effort? I thought grace doesn't go along with effort...

So right now, i'm done trying to do anything on my own. If God wants to help me, he can do it without me doing anything even without me praying, or pleading or asking or whatever cause i've done it in the past, each time with more intensity but to no avail. If God really is God, then why he requires all of my effort just to save me?

So this is what i called faith: God can help me no matter what i'm doing. I'm done with all the religious stuff, praying and such. or maybe i'm just doing a different type of praying. instead of having a quiet time, i write this blog. stating my current thought of God, with a tiny hope that this is suffice to communicate with him, because again, i'm done trying.

mood swing

just realize that my post can change so much in just a day, on tuesday, it seemed that i'm quite cheerful. On wednesday, i was so bitter and crushed. What's the difference? Hope.

On Tuesday, i was able to cling on to a hope, that all of this calamity can't go any worse, and the only way is up. On wednesday, all of that was crushed. With a deadline approaching fast, and no solid decision to make, how do i suppose to cope with all this?

Assuming God exist, then He contradicts His own Word. He says, all those trials will not exceed my strength. Well, now i can positively say i've cracked under the pressure. He says, hope will not disappoint, for His grace is true. Apparently, i'm not living by grace, it takes effort for me to continue on living. I have to struggle, just to live. How is that grace? I thought enjoying God shudn't be this difficult. I've been proven wrong.

How can i still believe after all that i've been through only reminds me from time to time that my faith was in vain? In the other hand, i still feel a little bit reluctant, because i want to remain true to my faith. But all of this just too hard for me to swallow.

Even on the verge of abandoning my faith, i'm still reminded by the Words or sermons that i've read or heard. But truly, know i just feel that those are only word, with no reason to believe in. Fictious.

From the beginning of this ordeal, i've been praying, i want to have a personal experience, where i can share with others. But no, what i'm experience is the same with others. So how do You expect me to say to others?

Consider this dialogue:

Me: "Being a Christian is the best thing i've ever done. See, we suffers the same and going through the same situation, but i believe that God take care of me"

Others: "And does He care for you?"

Me: "From what happened to me, no."

Of course we can say that i'm overreacting. God cares for me. But the same thing could also happen to non-believer. I though believing should make me someone different. And my faith counts to something. But no. Whether i believe or not, the same thing happened to me. Then what's the purpose of believing?

a confession of a weary soul

I've been through some pretty bad stuff lately, one after another only leads me to question God. And although i still cling on to this faith, every time He smashes me with another situation, with my condition worsening, how am i still able to going on?

I choose to believe, i choose to remain faithful, and i knew He loves me. God put my faith to test, and I'm okay with that. And i believe that i've passed that, by His grace. But soon after, He put me to another test, just saying "this is good for you", ignoring my scream "please not again, it's just too much!". Many will say, just endure it, you will see that His plan is the best. All those cliche statements which i myself am able to say it to others if they are in my situation.

But after all i've been through, i just can't abandon this faith. I know, i have nowhere else to go. Which crushes me even more, cause i feel that God is doing all the bad things, cause He know i don't have anywhere else to go. Sounds preposterous or even blasphemous, but that is what i feel.

I've feel that i've given another shot, after another shot. Just trying to keep believing. But everytime, He just crushes me over and over again. I'm too tired to continue on.

Outing to Mt. Dandenong

had lotsa fun yesterday... It's really a nice day when we go there. I just chill out there while everyone else paddle boating. It's truly blissful, with the wind breezes and the warm sunlight. I can spend the whole day just dozing off there...

think again

one thing that i notice more in my life is that not everything is the way i think it is. For example, i've heard the news that this or that celebrity is battling depression when i think they shud be happy with their life. Or when i realized that someone i know, is actually capable of doing things that i never imagined he is able to do it. So you think you know someone? Think again.

The same way goes for me, i think nobody knows me completely. Some people may see the fraction of my personality and they judge me based on that, and at other times, they will see another fraction and judge differently. Many times i just feel saying "stop judging will ya? you don't even know me". but then showing that kind of feeling will only lead to another judgment.

well, human relationship only works for certain extent. There are to many facets of human being that sometimes even you can't understand yourself. That shows us again and again that we are just human, and there is a God. When i feel i can't understand myself, i talk with Someone who understand me completely, and who does it better than my Creator? If you think that i'm being cliche... Think again.

first entry

well, i finally start my own blog after thinking bout it for quite some time. So what finally push me to do it? Tbh, i don't really know myself... It's a spur of a moment i think...

On the other hand, maybe this thought that give me the extra nudge that i need. I was thinking that life, is just too short. I can be in an accident tomorrow, who knows? (ummm God? Yeah He should.. anyway the point is, nobody knows except God and He won't tell it to anyone, so i should close this bracket soon). There. The close bracket.

Where was I? Ah right, considering that anything can happen, without me doing it, i decided to make a journal. Just in case. So if something should happen, at least i have some legacy here. Not that i expect anyone to read it, but i have left something to prove that once, i live and existed here.

Also i was thinking to avoid people saying, "who is this guy? never even heard of him". well, think again mate. If something shud happen to me that is too sudden, can i ask anyone who happen to stumble upon this blog to put mypilgrimjournal.blogspot.com at my gravestone?

Yeah, in a sense i am kidding. I don't expect to have a gravestone so soon. If you think i'm suicidal/i hate my life/i'm saying just let me die now, think again. Like i said earlier, life is short. Making a blog is something that i can cross off from my checklist. 'side, if i should be dead in the future, i know i'm gonna have a great time with Jesus, and i can say to Him, "so what do You think about my blog?"