relationship

i've been wondering lately since i pause all my spiritual activities... i heard advices that i have to keep on going... yet i'm not sure, does it serve any purpose?

what i perceive is this: keep holding on to ur faith, something good will come out of it, whether in this life, or in heaven. But i believe this is not christianity! I've heard a sermon that i couldn't agree more: "Christianity is about enjoying God, so we are looking forward to heaven, because God is there, and we can spend eternity with Him. If heaven does not have God in it, then there's no reason we should look forward to it."

But right now, i question my faith because i feel that this relationship is not working. I trust God, and believe in Him, although many times i feel that i just convincing myself to believe. But then from time to time i feel that God does not really care about this relationship. So if i should holding on to this faith so in the end i can receive the prize, i might as well leave this faith now because that's not what i'm looking for in christianity.

What i'm looking for is a relationship with God. I want to be able to enjoy God, now and in eternity. But He seems to ignore this desire. I've been left empty from time to time. I don't really care if i'm facing hardship as long as i know He's there. But i've been left to figure it on my own, i've been left to hold on to my faith, without any peace and joy from Him, without any assurance that God is with me. To gain peace and joy, i should be faithful, which in most cases, i force myself to believe. I think i'm just hypnotizing myself.

If a relationship with God is so hard now, will it make any difference in eternity? There are times when i enjoy God, but that was when i'm still able to convince myself. But after all that i've been through, i seriously doubt that a relationship can work that way.